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     Upon completion of ground school and all the required exams, the company gave us a couple of days training on SEP (Safety Equipment & Procedures).  After teaching us how to use all the safety devices (escape slides, life vests, escape reels, life rafts, oxygen bottles, fire extinguishers, smoke hoods, etc.) and giving us an exam on it, then came the fun part: “Emergency Evacuation Drill.”

In the event of a fire; only the crew were issued Smoke Hoods. Not the passengers.

     We pulled on these white overalls and socks - then jumped out of a mock-up of a 747’s L-1 Door!  It was roughly a 17-foot drop to the concrete floor!  Fortunately an escape slide had already been deployed.  Crossing our arms in front of us – keeping our legs straight and feet together – we zipped down that slide.  It was so much fun; I took the trip three times!  I determined that by leaning forward in a sitting position, once on the slide, I could dig in my heels as brakes – slowing my descent.  The cotton white overalls and socks were protecting my skin from slide burns.

     On the downside, dear reader, the overalls weren’t designed for a six-foot-two “Gweilo” (Ghost Man, Foreign Devil, or Round Eye).  Being two-sizes too small, my “family jewels” were in a perpetual vice.  Allowing me to reach a soprano’s high-C, as I screamed down that slide!  

     We were required to retake SEP and the “Emergency Evacuation Drill” once every two years.  Nonetheless, in future I’d deliberately only use the escape slide once, and always avoid being the first one down the slide.  This is why:

Jeddah, 1983, left to right: Me, Anita (Gordy’s wife from Barbados) and Gordy.

     My old flying buddy, Gordy Poole - the gentleman that sorted me out on Madrid, Spain - also joined SIA.  During his stint in the RAF on Sunderland Flying Boats, Gordy was based at Singapore in the 1960s.  He loved Singapore, and took great pleasure in also sorting me out on how to survive here.  He’s the one that introduced me to The Sea View Hotel.

The RAF Short Sunderland Flying Boat.     

     Upon performing a required “Emergency Evacuation Drill,” Gordy uncovered some serious safety flaws the hard way.  Unfortunately he was the first one out the L-1 Door – landing on the escape slide okay – except when reaching the halfway mark it all turned to shit!  The slide abruptly buckled in half, dumping Gordy onto naked concrete!  Gordy broke his left arm in two places – smacked his head - and was knocked unconscious!

     Due to lack of interest and imagination, the Singaporeans ran a rather sloppy drill.  Before running bodies down that escape slide its pressure should have been checked, and double checked, for proper inflation.  Additionally, protective impact mats could have been laid out all along the escape slide’s route; not merely at its finish.

     Several days later, after he woke up, I visited Gordy in the hospital; smuggling in a six-pack of Guinness.  His left arm was in a cast, he had two black eyes, and the side of his face was blue, black and green.  Noting my dour expression, Gordy was unflappable.  Raising a Guinness with his good arm, Gordy quipped, in a typical British stiff-upper-lip, “Cheer up, mate.  They haven’t damaged me drinking arm.  There’s a good bloke.”

                                         

     Aircrew, dear reader, ya just gotta love ‘em!

     The next item for me on the SEP agenda was the “Emergency Ditching Drill”; simulating a crash landing at sea.  I was lumped in with a class of thirty: eight pilots and the rest flight attendants.

     This was my introduction to the fabulous “Singapore Girl.”  The drop-dead beauties promoted by SIA in all their posters and TV ads around the world; promoting airline service with grace and beauty.  The same girls that feminists worldwide decry are being “pimped” by SIA.

     My question, dear reader, is this:  What about the “Singapore Boy?”  They’re as beautiful and graceful...and gay.  Why aren’t they being “pimped”...er, I mean “promoted” by SIA?  Another aviation mystery.

     Even so, my introduction to the “Singapore Girl” was most disappointing.  They were all clad in baggy, white overalls – two sizes too big – and, after emerging from the pool, could have given a drowned rat a run for its money. 

     No beauty and grace at the “Ditching Drill,” dear reader.

     The other thing that disturbed me; if you removed the “Singapore Girl’s” life vest, she’d likely sink to the bottom of the pool similar to a stone.  For the majority of the girls couldn’t swim!

     So explain it to me, dear reader, how on earth was a 95-pound girl going to rescue a passenger twice her size, loading said passenger into a life raft in a pitching sea, when the little girl can’t even swim?  Why would SIA, based on a small island surrounded by the seven seas, hire flight attendants that can’t swim?

     Another disturbing fact, apparently to save weight and add more fuel and passengers, SIA removed the life rafts on the 747-312s at the over-wing exits.  The 312s had a longer range than the 212s and carried 22 more passengers.

     So what was SIA’s reason for ignoring these ditching safety conundrums, dear reader?

     Since modern turbojet airliners so seldom made emergency landings in water, SIA was obviously gambling it could get away with these ditching safety shortcomings; thereby saving money by sacrificing passenger safety.

     A huge Olympic-sized pool was provided for us, with the mock-up of a 747 fuselage having an escape slide-raft deployed at the L-1 Door.

     The escape slide-raft, dear reader, was an escape slide designed for double duty as a life raft.  It contained emergency rations, flares, a sea anchor, a canopy, medical supplies, an ELT (Emergency Locator Transmitter), etc.

     The “Emergency Ditching Drill” went like this:  We all piled in the inflated escape slide-raft, having one end attached to the fuselage mock-up, while the other end floated on the pool’s flat surface.  Then one of us was assigned to detach the escape slide-raft from the doorway – causing this end to drop eight feet to the water.

     Before detaching the escape slide-raft, dear reader, one has to lean way back from the doorway.  Previously some poor souls hadn’t done this – catching their chin on the doorway’s threshold as it abruptly dropped – breaking a jaw and shattering teeth!

     After being shown where all the emergency equipment was stowed on the escape slide-raft, we inflated our life vests manually (blowing through the tubes) and slid into the water.  Swimming back to the 747 mock-up, we climbed aboard via a metal ladder.  Buoyed by their life vests; most of the girls sort of dog-paddled as best they could.  I felt sorry for them.  Obviously so much water must have been frightening to any non-swimmer. 

     Now the SIA Instructors told us to jump out the L-1 Door and swim to the slide-raft.  I waited in vain for further instructions regarding this eight-foot drop to the water.  None came.  So Singaporeans began flinging themselves out the doorway - resembling hapless, wet sacks of rice – their life vests smacking them in the face as they hit the water.  Several of the girls floundered as they struggled back to the surface; coughing and hacking from water being shot up their mouth and nose.

     Humor me, dear reader.  Being raised near a Marine Base, the “jar heads” taught me the correct way to hit the water, from a high drop, with a life vest.  Place your right arm over the life vest – locking it in place – cover your mouth and pinch your nose using the right hand.  With the other hand firmly grip your privates.  When you jump:  Keep your feet pointed downward and both legs firmly together – clenching the leg muscles so impact with the water won’t drive them apart – damaging muscles and tendons at your crotch.  Gripping the privates prevents damaged testicles or water shooting up a vagina, causing a nasty infection.  This is basic water safety for jumping off a ship, or out of a 747, with a life vest.

     From what I observed, obviously SIA was merely going through the motions for ditching; meeting the minimum requirements of the CAAS (Civil Aviation Authority of Singapore).

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